Closet Door: A Cautionary Tale

from Songs for The Reverend by Tim Birchard

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Copyright 2008 Tim Birchard (BMI). Go visit chrischappellart.com.

******************
From Chris Chappell...

"I was half asleep and I opened the hall closet to get a jacket. I saw, just out of the corner of my eye, a slither. It was like a snake, but I didn't jump or anything. It happened too fast. I just froze and stared at where I thought I had seen it. I noticed a triangular shaped hole where books and stuff were leaning against the wall on the top shelf above all the coats and things. It formed a cave of sorts. This is where I had seen movement. I was sure I had seen movement, but maybe something had just fallen.

"Later that day I opened the closet again, this time looking right at the cave and there it was. This time there was no mistake, I saw a fully grown brown rat slither out of the triangle and back down the back of the coats. I was again too stunned to move.

"That night I told of this rat to the wife and frightened children. I talked of its grace, speed, and incredible size. The children were noticeably distraught. The wife simply did not believe. I wasn't sure I believed myself, so we went to the closet. I told her where to direct her attention and quickly swung open the closet and there it was. Plain as day. A large brown rat darted out of its cave towards us and then disappeared down the back of all the winter coats.

"She screamed, of course. She was as shocked that I had been telling the truth as she was at seeing a predictable rodent in her house. I was shocked also-- but this time I was shocked that I had actually seen it three times in one day.

"So after seeing their mother actually scream and then break into cursing, the children began to feel genuine alarm. They were now worried for real. So I made the whole thing funny. It was kind of funny already, as long as we didn't dwell on things like disease, rat s*** on our winter coats, or how to get rid of it. I instead named it and made a little song with a Sesame Street tune:

"'Sometimes.......when you open the hall closet.... a rat jumps out.......'

"You get the idea. The children were beginning to calm down and laugh a little, but the horror they felt at knowing that living vermin lurked in the dark shadows of the hall closet was still in their sleepy little minds at bedtime that night. 'Will it come out?', 'Do they bite children?'....etc."

lyrics

When you open the closet door
A rat might jump out
Don't forget to watch the floor
Be sure to check your coat

When you open the closet door
It's best not to linger
Erica might lose patience
and you might lose a finger

She comes out late at night
To visit the bowl of Hudi
Let's give her a surprise
We'll leave some special "foodie"

When you open the closet door
And go where you should not go
She might lose her patience
and you might lose a toe

Our furry friend is good at stealth
But arsenic is no good for her health

We found the body today
We even took a picture
But I wonder to this day
If the Furry One has a sister

When you open the closet door
She could cause you harm
She might lose her patience
and you might lose an arm

When you open the closet door
When you open the closet door
When you open the closet...

credits

from Songs for The Reverend, released October 31, 2008
All noises by Tim.

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